If Only

The door opened and I could feel the hundreds of eyes focused my way. The bridesmaids had already arranged themselves opposite the groomsmen. I took a brief second to finally agree that a White Wedding was well suited to you. Taking in a deep breath and clutching the flowers tighter in my grasp, I began the long and seemingly never-ending trek towards the altar.

**********

Do you remember the first time we met Keigo?

It was in that huge park in the middle of Tokyo. You were playing catch with a group of you friends and I was alone. Neither of us could have been much older than five but you already had that air of leadership around you.

I remember your ball rolling to a stop at my feet and me crouching down to pick it up. When I stood back up again, you were right in front of me. Even at that age, you could dazzle with just a smile. I gave you your ball back and you bowed slightly, politely in return.

Your playmates called for you to hurry up. "Atobe! How long does it take you to get a ball?"

That was when I learnt your name.

**********

I could hear the strains of Jeremiah Clarke's "Trumpet Voluntary" sounding as I began my walk. The man in evening dress by my side held my arm and murmured soothing words into my ear. "It's alright . Just relax and we'll be fine. You can do this." He must have felt my hand shaking and my slight unsteadiness on my feet. I lifted my head and looked straight ahead, directly at you.

You smiled at me.

**********

Do you remember the next time we saw each other Keigo?

It was my first day in elementary school. Thinking back on it, it was yours too, wasn't it? Yet you already seemed to own the place. All of the other students respected you or knew of your name. You were the Atobe Keigo, the only heir to the vast Atobe Empire. We ended up in the same class, sitting right next to each other.

I remember how your eyes lightened when they landed on me during our first class together. You smiled and held out a hand. I'll always remember how warm your hand felt during that brief touch and the gentle tone you used for your greeting. "Yoroshiku. I'm Atobe Keigo."

I could feel my face turn red as the whole class watched us in interest. My voice also shook, "Yo…Yoroshiku, Atobe-san. I'm ."

You lowered your voice when you noticed my discomfort and sent another smile to me, "Ignore everyone else, they don't know any better."

That was when we became friends.

**********

I focused on nothing but you as I took step after step in your direction. The encouragement in your smile gave me the strength to continue. The man by my side still held my elbow but I felt the ground more firmly and was much steadier on my feet. Still, there was a long way to go until we reached the altar. And you.

**********

Do you remember stealing my first kiss Keigo?

It was after our junior high graduation party at your house. Both of us had snuck outside to take in a breath of fresh air. The moon was high up in the sky and everything was silent. You turned to me with a strange expression. We were both a little drunk from the 'non-alcoholic' drinks that had been served but I still remember every detail.

The feel of your cheek against mine and the sweetness of your breath as you leaned towards me, pushing me back towards the wall that you had been leaning against a minute earlier. Then your lips were on mine and my arms were around your neck. It wasn't your first kiss, I could tell, but you told me afterwards that it was the most special.

That was when I fell in love with you.

**********

The music soared as did my heart. I let everything I held onto go as I stepped onto the altar next to you. You bowed slightly in my direction and I returned it with an elegant curtsy. Then your attention wasn't on me anymore.

**********

Do you remember taking me home to meet your parents formally Keigo?

We hadn't started dating until we both made it into Tokyo University. I remember the anxiety I suffered as we were driven to your home in your limo. You hugged me tight and told me that everything would be alright. I believed you.

Everything did go fine. Until your father called you into his study and your mother asked to talk to me in private. I will always remember what she said, word for word. "Keigo tells me that he plans on marrying you." Your mother was beautiful and glamorous, despite her age, just like the matriarch of an elite family should look.

Her words were cool, "I'm afraid to say that he already has an arranged marriage planned. This was all agreed on before his birth."

She stood and looked down on me, "Besides, you don't have what it takes to be Keigo's wife. He needs a woman with a high pedigree, who is beautiful as well as intelligent." Looking away, she added her last stab, "He would never be happy with someone like you."

I bowed my head and said nothing. There was nothing to say. My family was fairly well off but not to the extent that your family was. My bloodlines were as normal as my plain face and average figure. The high scores on my tests came from extended study, nothing else. All of these points made me realize one thing: I wasn't good enough for you.

At that point, you came back into the room and took my hand. You pulled me up and exited the room without a further word despite your father and mother demanding your return. The journey to my house was filled with silence. The only shred of comfort I had that night was crying myself to sleep in your arms.

That was when I realized the path I would have to take.

**********

The doors which had shut at my entrance opened again. A figure, dressed stunningly in pure white, walked slowly down the aisle. Her father stood at her side, guiding her. Her face was covered with a gossamer veil but her eyes could be seen looking directly at you, her love for you shining through them. I lowered my eyes as the first notes of Wagner's 'Bridal Chorus' sounded from the pipe organ on the side.

**********

Do you remember our break up Keigo?

It was more painful than I had ever expected. The pain in my heart as I walked away from you was nothing compared to the pain I saw etched on your face that night. It took every bit of my will power to not turn back and throw myself into your arms when you called out my name that one last time. "?"

You sounded so hesitant, so unsure and so hurt that my tears couldn't be held back anymore. I didn't even look back once as I walked away from you, knowing that this was the end. For me and for you.

It was then that I knew I could love no one else but you.

**********

The smile that you gave her as she took her rightful place by your side was the one that you had once only shown me. I bit down hard on my lower lip and looked down again hoping that no one saw my wet eyes. Even if I had let you go, it still hurt so much.

Keigo…

How I wish it had turned out differently.

**********

Do you remember coming face to face again Keigo?

You had taken up your parents' offer for you to complete your studies overseas. We never saw each other again after that fateful night. That all changed when I accompanied Oshitari to a party and saw you.

It had been four years since that night and you hadn't changed a bit. Everyone still crowded around you competing for your attention. But only one person had it; the slender beauty by your side. Her dark hair tumbled in careless waves down her back and her grey eyes were adoring as they looked up into yours. My heart froze and stopped at the sight but my body continued forward as if possessed.

You looked up and smiled at me, a different smile from the one I used to receive. There was nothing left in your eyes to tell me that you still felt the same way as before. Neither the polite bow nor the brief embrace you gave me were anything more than friendly. Oshitari chatted away with you for a couple of minutes while I stood in a daze, not knowing if I should stay or run.

"I don't think we've been introduced. I'm ." The woman who had been by your side smile gently at me and held out a hand. I took it and could feel her innate warmth. I had wanted to hate her for taking my place by your side but couldn't summon the emotions needed.

" . Yoroshiku -san." My voice sounded normal but I was anything but. As we both stood, wondering what to say to each other next, you and Oshitari reappeared. You hugged to your side and announced with a pleased grin, " and I have recently gotten engaged. The wedding's planned for next year."

At those words, my heart, which had been mending quietly for the past few years, shattered once more.

It was then that I understood that you and I were never meant to be.

**********

As the Officiate said the final words to the ceremony and you lifted her veil and kissed her deeply, passionately, I finally could take no more. Quietly, I slipped away into an adjoining chamber knowing that no one would miss me, the maid of honor, in the upcoming chaos known as the reception. I sat in silence, contemplating what could have been. Footsteps sounded from behind and I quickly turned around. It was Oshitari Yuushi, the best man and the man who escorted me down the aisle this very day.

"Yuushi." I nodded and looked away from his knowing gaze. Suddenly, I found his arms around me and no matter how I struggled, I couldn't get him to let go.

"Cry it out." I could feel the vibrations of his voice in his chest. I stopped struggling and my eyes filled with held back tears. Once I started crying, I couldn't stop. I held onto Oshitari and let it all go.

"It's alright." He stroked my hair and tucked my head under his chin, "It's fine to let it out… I'll stay with you."

When my tears finally ran out, we didn't step apart. I felt comforted by his presence. His hand still stroked my hair lazily, almost as if he was asleep. However, he moved fast enough to pull us both into a secluded corner of the room when footsteps sounded outside and the door to this chamber was pushed open.

Shishido Ryou and Ootori Choutarou, two of the groomsmen, walked in. Both of them and Oshitari were old high school friends of both you and me. They gave the room a cursory glance before Shishido sat himself down into a chair and Ootori collapsed into one next to his. Both of them sat with their backs to Oshitari and me. From their loosened buttons and ties, I gathered that the reception was getting close to an end.

"I can't believe Atobe went through with it," was Shishido's opening comment.

"Why do you say that Shishido-senpai?" Ootori's quiet voice questioned. Even though they were years out of school, old habits die hard.

Shishido waved a hand in the general direction of the reception room and smiled humorlessly, "Because Atobe loves someone else. He always has."

At this, my heart began beating faster. I took a step forward only to find Oshitari's arm around my waist firmly and his other hand around my mouth. When I looked back at him, he shook his head and pulled me tighter against him.

Ootori sat up a little straighter, "I know that, as does everyone else who knows him like we do senpai. But we also know that if he didn't go through with this marriage, his parents will ruin -senpai and her family."

Shishido leaned back in his seat, "Life is cruel. But such is the reality of being the only heir to the Atobe Empire."

I didn't stay to hear anymore. I jerked myself out of Oshitari's grasp and ran out of the other door in the room that was located behind where I stood. I heard chairs scraping against the floor and voices calling my name but I didn't turn back. I ran outside just in time to see you hand your new bride up into the beautiful horse drawn carriage. You eyes met mine and for the first time since we broke up, I saw the same pain I felt reflected in your gaze.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, knowing that you couldn't possibly hear me. But, somehow, you seemed to understand when even I didn't understand what I was apologizing for. Was it for not being strong enough to face down your parents? Was it for not being strong enough to confess my feelings?

You stared in my direction for a moment longer before your bride called for your attention. Your lips moved and formed three little words. I didn't know if they were for me or for her, but it was enough. You turned away and ascended the carriage steps yourself. I watched as it drove away, taking you and your bride to your honeymoon and signaling the true end of what we had been.

Keigo…

If only…

I turned myself away as my eyes filled again. Walking quickly away from the crowds, the smallest hint of a real smile showed through the tears. Those three words you had never said to me. Those three words that I had never said to you. Those three words that meant so much.

"I love you too, Keigo."

##########

October 19, 2007
Written by: Linc
Edited by: Ri